It’s been a hot minute since I last wrote for this self-proclaimed column. I suppose I am now less at a loss for words than I was two months ago. So much happened, and so much passed. We’re all still here. This is a feeling you and I know all too well, and that is the feeling of not knowing. In the past few months (and on several occasions throughout the lockdown before) I've felt this feeling. It's so incredibly weird that sometimes we just… don't know what we’re feeling? How do you deal with it, how do you cope with it, what do you DO with it? An answer was all we wanted and as it normally (and rather painstakingly) goes, time gave it to us.
You know how when you’re drinking chai, there’s often a layer of malaai (cream) that follows your mouth no matter what spot of the cup’s rim you choose. And to combat this persistent bitch of a hindrance, you blow on it hoping to make it go as far away from your lips as possible. My head was plagued with malaai. And I fucking hate malaai. In this period, I woke up and went to sleep living a loop. I’d follow the same routine, eat and drink the same things, talk to people about the same topics, and even have the same shower thoughts. I’d try to talk to my friends about how I’m feeling, hoping to hear them say the same thing, and whenever they’d ask me how I was, I’d always say “Eh, I don’t know man”. Before you go on thinking this is going to turn into a motivational piece about how I changed myself with the right habits and got hustling, you’re so wrong. Get this - I didn’t. Needless to say, I still feel these things, and God help me, I still do the same things every day. But you know, as time went by, my answer to my friends’ questions would turn into “I’m better than yesterday, worse than tomorrow”. If I ever felt any one statement to fit so well into my life, it would be this one.
Read that again.
You are better than yesterday and definitely worse than tomorrow. Think about it, you know more than you did yesterday. Even in a state of monotony, just your thoughts and your observations would account for a whole lot of information and knowledge. Maybe you know now that you’re out of bread - that is knowledge, no? A friend of mine once jokingly said to me that knowledge is power and because, back then, I was crushing on him super hard, I gave everything he said a thought. It might have been the truest thing he has ever said. The more you know is truly the more you know! And when it comes to you being worse than tomorrow, come on. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. If you are better than yesterday, then you are worse than tomorrow. Life will go on and knowledge will be your best friend. I know I’m rambling now, but this is my column, and pfft, what else did you expect?
In conclusion: Although I feel quite the same every day still, I find myself being excited for things to come. Big things are happening and I am learning to be happy about them more than fear the change they will inevitably bring. I am brimming with ideas and what’s more, is that I now have the will to do something about it! On some days, the world feels thoroughly sludgy and un-walkable, and on others, it feels like it is what it is - your’s, mine, and ours, Home.
That’s good enough for me. Who knows? Maybe next Monday I’ll feel differently. One way to find out.